Almost everyone I counsel asks, "Why should I forgive that person? He wronged me." Or, "I want to forgive, but I can't." Everyone is faced with this same feeling: "Should I or shouldn't I?" The human part of us screams, "He hurt me! He made fun of me! He wronged me! Boy, I'll get even with him."
But God never allows His children the painful luxury of getting even. In fact, He doesn't even allow us the pleasure of nursing hurt feelings. My mother used to tell me, "Self-pity is the one luxury, Gloria, no woman can afford." Romans 12:19 says, "Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord." Yet inwardly we want to repay the vengeance personally. We say, "I'll make him pay. I'll make him miserable. I hope something bad happens to him. He'll be sorry."
Christ, however, has given us His example of forgiveness to follow. Jesus said in Matthew 6:14-15, "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."
Forgiveness is not a choice; it is a command. The command carries a serious warning for all to heed. If we do not forgive, we will not be forgiven. When Jesus told the story of the man who was forgiven 10,000 talents and then refused to forgive a poor man who owed him 100 pence, He added, "This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart." (Matthew 18:35)
That principle can be seen in action in marriages, family relationships and also in churches. Whoever has not forgiven father, mother, brother or sister is handed over to torment. Whatever we judge in another, we are doomed to become or to reap in our own lives. Romans 2:1 says, "You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things." Matthew 7:1-2 says, "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."
Satan delights to damage family relationships. Mark 3:25 says, "If a house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand." It's doomed! Any time you let un-forgiveness take root in a family because of hurts or harsh words, you let Satan destroy the home or peace, happiness and unity. Every home in America today has felt Satan's attack, whether they recognized the source of their problems or not. But there is a key to rebuilding relationships. Whether it applies to a family or to acquaintances, it does not matter: that key is FORGIVENESS.
What does it mean to forgive? A Bible dictionary gives us this definition: "Forgiveness is the giving up of resentment or claim to requital on account of an offense. The offense may be deprivation of a person's property, rights, or honor…Forgiveness is conditioned on repentance and the willingness to make reparation or atonement. (I love this next part!) The effect of forgiveness is the restoration of both parties to the former state of relationship. The ground of forgiveness by God of man's sins is the atoning death of Christ."
George Herbert, a 17th-century English poet, wrote, "He that cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass if he would ever reach heaven, for everyone has a need to be forgiven." The Christ of the cross is our great example. Christ suffered for you, and you should follow in His steps (see 1 Peter 2:21). Man owed a debt that he could not repay, so God paid a debt that He did not owe. God became a man, a God-man, in Jesus Christ in order to be a substitute for us, to pay the immeasurable price, to satisfy the immeasurable debt of our sins. Jesus Christ took the burden of our sins upon Himself, though He Himself never sinned. "You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly." (Romans 5:6)
Forgiveness is the most essential ingredient of a happy marriage. As the saying goes, "To err is human; to forgive, divine." If you have let resentment and bitterness choke your love for your mate, open up. Be honest! Say what has been bothering you. Ask for forgiveness and pray together. The tension will leave, and you'll feel a new joy and peace.
Then forget the past. A man said to a friend, "My wife always gets historical when we get into an argument." His friend looked at him, puzzled, and replied, "You mean hysterical, don't you?" "No," he said, "I mean historical. She keeps bringing up the past!" Don't do that. Forget what happened. Bury the hatchet, but don't leave the handle sticking out of the ground. God forgives and forgets, so we should follow His example.
Finally, ask God for wisdom. He knows best how to solve the problems in your marriage. Read your Bible, pray together and ask God for His direction. The Bible says, "But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness." (James 3:17-18) This wisdom and peace will come from a true, fresh dedication of your life and marriage to Jesus Christ.
If you've been unforgiving toward your mate and want to get rid of the bitterness in your relationship, pray this prayer with me:
Lord, change me. I know I've been praying, "Change my mate," but I need Your touch on my own life. Lord, please help me to forgive my loved one. I want our marriage to be blessed in Your eyes, Father, with nothing to hinder our relationship with You. Thank You for Your perfect love and for forgiving me. In Jesus' name, Amen.