What Makes For a Good Marriage

            A good marriage doesn't just happen.  It takes work!  Some people say that marriage is a 50-50 partnership, but I disagree.  A good marriage is both partners giving 100% of themselves to make their marriage work effectively.  And a good marriage takes LOVE, God-given love.

            Dr. Ed Cole, a nationally known speaker and author, put the definitions of love and lust into a nutshell.  Let me share them with you.  Love desires to benefit another at the expense of self because love desires to give.  On the other hand, lust desires to benefit self at the expense of another because lust desires to get.  With that in mind, what do you think your marriage is built on?  If it is built on God-given love, you'll desire to please and to give.  You'll desire to do things together and build dreams and goals together.

            When Larry and I began to date, we had only one goal that we agreed upon: We both loved the Lord and wanted to serve Him full-time.  That was fine.  But when we talked about getting married and thought about living together 24 hours a day and having only one goal, I began to get scared.  Then I remembered what Mom once told me: "Missy, learn to do things together as a couple."  "But Mom," I'd protested, "I don't like to water-ski or ride smelly horses or noisy motorcycles.  Mom, I just don't like those things!"  "Well," she'd sighed, "Missy, if you don't want to go with him, he'll find someone else who will.  He'll go with the fellows.  Do you want to be left behind?"  "No," I'd groaned.  "Then learn to enjoy what Larry enjoys.  Go where he goes.  That's time well spent.  You'll be building your relationship.  You'll be communicating."  I got the message.  I prayed and decided it was worth far more to be with Larry than to be left behind.

            After Larry and I were married, our new lifestyle kept us so busy that neither of us had time for motorcycles, horses or waterskiing.  My building-relationship time was spent following Larry through one salvage yard after another, looking for parts to keep our old bus running.  The bus was our home.  At first I hated the smell, the grease, tripping over junk; but then I realized, "Hey, it's worth it to be able to spend time with Larry."  I began to look beyond the junk and just enjoyed being with my man.

            You and your mate will differ on many things, but be willing to give up some of your wants.  And remember, whether it's painting the house or the barn, fixing the tractor, working on the lawn, cutting wood, milking cows, cleaning the attic, working on bills, or going with him to a car salvage lot looking for parts, enjoy being together!

            Husband, remember that your wife desires to be loved, appreciated, and dated!  Tell her every day that you love her.  Tell her that she's pretty.  Give her something special every week, even if it's just a card or a single flower.

            A few weeks after a seminar, a lady said to me, "Gloria, remember what you said about husbands giving their wives something special every week?  Well, it worked.  The first week my husband bought me a shovel to clear the snow off the driveway.  The second week he bought me a sander to sand down the floors and re-finish them.  The third week I said, 'Forget about the special gifts.  I can't handle any more of them!'"

            That may seem funny, but really, husbands, give her flowers while she's still able to smell them.  Take time to be with her every day.  Let her know that she is special to you.  And love her, date her, compliment her while she's fully clothed.  Funny?  No, it isn't.  Years back at one of our seminars in South Dakota an attractive woman in her late 30's began to sob, "What's the matter with me?  I try to be a good wife and mother.  My husband and I have a successful ranch.  I try to gain his favor and attention by being sweet, looking nice, keeping trim and cooking good meals.  But he never notices or compliments me on anything.  He doesn't even seem to acknowledge that I'm around until we go to bed.  I'm just a scrubwoman, cook, errand runner and bed partner to him.  I'm sick of it!"  I hear the same complaints from wives all over the country.  Men, if you want a happy wife, treat her like a queen; appreciate her and date her during the day and at night she'll treat you like a king.

            Rekindle your love for each other.  If you've lost that first love, ask God to restore to each of you the affection you once had for each other.  Ask God to rekindle the vows you spoke at the altar.  Be willing to forgive past slights and indifferences.  Forget your rights; let yours and your mate's rights merge into what Jesus Christ did for you.  Jesus didn't insist on His rights as the Son of God.  He took to Himself the form of a servant and was conformable until His death on the cross.  We need that same kind of love in our marriages, that same unselfish love for our husband or wife, for our children.  Jesus says, "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you" (John 15:12).  Let me pray with you for God to give you and your mate a desire to create new interests and goals together.

            Dear Jesus, thank You for my marriage.  At times I haven't been as grateful as I should have been, and sometimes I've been more selfish than giving.  Lord, please show me the areas in which I need to change.  Help us so that our marriage will be built on love rather than lust.  Help me to desire to give instead of to get.  Lord, help me to constantly look to You as my great example of love.  In Jesus' name, Amen.