Communication Fallout

            Poor communication is among the top four marriage problems.  There are four stages of communication:  number one, when you are a teenager you can't wait to date.  Number two, you enjoy communicating with each other so much that you start going steady.  Number three, you desire to be together more so you become engaged to be married.  Number four, after marriage, you don't talk anymore!  Maybe you think that you have years and years ahead to talk, so you say, "What's the big hurry?"  From then on you begin to cremate instead of communicate; your marriage turns to ashes.

            Communication involves two people who are interested in being involved in each other's life, dreams, struggles, failures and successes.  It doesn't happen overnight.  It's not always easy.  It's an act of unselfishness that says, "Whatever you do, wherever you go, whatever you plan, whatever you achieve, everything you do is important to me-important enough that I want to talk about it."

            Communication is to a marriage what food is to a newborn baby.  A baby needs to be fed.  It needs nourishment to be able to grow and be healthy; otherwise it will die.  So it is with marriage.  Communication feeds a relationship.  Your marriage must be fed regularly and adequately if it is to be kept alive. 

            While communicating, remember these important tips:

A.     How you speak is as important as what you say.  We speak in many ways-with body language, gestures, and the tone of our voice.  My husband, Larry, tells me, "Gloria, you use all three."  He knows that when I'm quiet and don't say anything, something is bothering me.  My silence tells him, "I'm taking time to figure out why I feel the way I do and how to solve it."  Then he communicates his understanding by a tender touch or a kiss on my forehead.  He doesn't have to say anything; just by being there he communicates that he cares.  It's okay to be silent on occasion; I call it "inventory time."

B.     Be sensitive.  Choose the right time to communicate.  Be smart enough to know if you are upset or if your husband has just lost his job.  Don't jump to conclusions or accusations.  Don't babble at the mouth.  Think before you talk.  Don't communicate just to express your immediate emotions; act out of love.  There's a big difference.  Don't neglect to say the right thing at the right time to encourage each other.  I can just hear you say, "Well, Gloria, how can I know when to talk and when not to talk?"  My advice is to study your mate.  Observe his or her lifestyle and moods.  Learn what upsets your mate.  Adhere to the encouraging word and skip the discouraging word.  Proverbs 15:23 says, "A man finds joy in giving an apt reply-and how good is a timely word!" 

C.     Communicate with your eyes.  Care enough to give each other eye contact when you talk.  This gives both of you the chance to reach each other's mind.  With my eyes I can express many things to my husband.  If my eyes sparkle, he knows I'm happy or excited.  If my eyes fill with tears, he knows that I'm hurting, discouraged or ill.  If my eyes flash like lightning, Larry disappears!  (He knows someone's in trouble!)  Really, we do communicate with our eyes.  If a couple cannot communicate that way, there's probably trouble between them.  Avoidance of eye contact says, "I don't want to face you."  Learn to sit down in a quiet place in an open and caring spirit, eye-to-eye.  That says, "You are important.  You have my undivided attention."  James 1:19 says, "My dear brothers, take note of this:  Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry."

D.     Be a listener.  A great part of communication is being a good listener.  All of us at times need someone to simply listen to us and not say a word.  When I think of a model listener, I think of two people:  my husband, Larry, and God.  They are both there when I want to pour out my heart, and they're both willing to listen until I'm ready to be loved and encouraged.

E.      Communicate by choice, not my chance.  A lady in Kansas cried, "John won't talk to me.  He just sits and stares at the TV or reads the newspaper.  All I can get out of him is a grunt.  I may as well talk to the wall.  He never responds."  While she shared this with me, her husband stood nearby with a blank, bored expression on his face.

I said to him, "Why don't you talk to your wife?"  He grunted, "Nothing to talk about."  I said, "When you are staring into space, are you thinking?"  "Oh-yeah," he replied.  "Well then," I said, "get the thoughts out of your thinker and put them into your talker.  Every man and woman needs feedback, someone to talk to.  That's what builds relationships."  I said, "Tell her about the broken tractor, grain prices, or the beautiful rain.  Talk, man, talk!"

      "I didn't think she'd be interested in that," he said.  Surprised, his wife asked him, "Did you ever think of asking me if I was interested?"  "Well-no," he replied.  She touched his arm and said, "I'm interested in anything that is interesting to you.  Please, just talk to me."  Finally convinced, he answered, "I never thought talking was important to you.  But if you want to talk, I'll talk."

      They'd had a communication breakdown and let it go for years.  As a result, she had become bitter, yet she never told him why.  He never bothered to ask her why she was upset.  They could've avoided their years of frustration by being open and honest.

      But communication doesn't just happen; it has to be developed and nurtured.  It takes your will and your time to be unselfish, understanding and desirous to bridge the gap.  If you're experiencing a communication breakdown in your marriage, pray this prayer with me:

Father, we come to You in Jesus' name, thanking You for all of the blessings You've bestowed upon us.  As a couple, we call upon You to teach us how to communicate more lovingly and effectively.  Lord, help us not to become impatient with each other when we don't understand each other's feelings or motives.  Bathe us in Your love.  Give us patience where there has been frustration.  And Lord, help us to think carefully before we speak.  Help us to speak only encouraging, uplifting words.  Put within us a new desire to love and care for each other.  In Jesus' name, Amen.